Spiritual Loneliness

Ever since Eden, mortals have suffered from alienations: from themselves and from others. This estrangement from the good, from benevolent relationships, traces back to our first parent's rebellion against God. Instead of resting in perfect love, they sought out more than enough. The result was banishment from the garden and the immiseration of women and men, boys and girls down through the millennia.

We are, thus, lonely--among other ills. What is the ontology of loneliness, it being and essence? Perhaps loneliness is the mode of being inadequately alone, of being apart when we should be together, of incompleteness aware of its state. We are separated from needful company and harmony. We are poor in ourselves and can find no one outside of ourselves take away our misery.

The chronically ill and their partners often suffer from an acute and aching kind of loneliness. It is both physical and spiritual in nature. Physically, those weighed down and laid out by one or more chronic maladies simply cannot have much fellowship outside of medical and physical necessities. You may visit a doctor (or three) this week, but you will not attend a play, see a film, or have a leisurely dinner with your husband. There is no time, no energy, and too much pain--or too high a cost to any outing. You may make it through, but you will pay for it for days or weeks. When I first met Sherri Connell (of The Invisible Disabilities Advocate ministry) it was outside and in the sun in downtown Denver. We talked for only about twenty minutes. She was pleasant and not bitter, but she said, "I'll pay for this for weeks." Sadly, I knew what she meant.

The partners of the chronically ill face their own separations. They are alienated from normal life, from vacations, from expected forms of life. They stay home when home is not where one may want to stay. They feel guilty leaving home alone, their loved one left behind. Yet they must do so from time to time. But even then, they are alone, for their loved one is not by their side. And even if he or she was there, this could bring its own frustrations: fatigue, sensitivities, arguments, curtailed expectations...

Lonely, lonely, lonely
Loneliness is such a drag!

So said a celebrity in his mid-twenties in the midst of a meteoric rise to fame in which he redefined rock music and the vistas of guitar playing. A man who was nearly worshipped by the masses, who had as many women as he wanted, who was the envy of guitarists worldwide, wrote that lyric. Jimi Hendrix, who would die from a drug and alcohol overdose not long after (1970) also said, "Everyone thinks I'm free; but I'm just running."

Running from loneliness often generates more of the same, just experienced at a faster pace. The wind may be in your face, but the ache remains in your heart. But I am not concerned about celebrities in this post, but those wounded by chronic illness. How can loneliness be met with grace and courage for us?

I really do not know. Some benefit from support groups of those facing similar problems. Others hate that. Why be around people with just my kind of problem? How depressing! Moreover, they do not find much within to offer others. Yes, thank God for friends who will offer sympathy and even empathy--listening to your woes although they have not experienced them and praying for you in ways that others cannot because they have never listened.

I do take heart that God himself understands. Jesus was utterly alone on his Cross, forsaken by both God and man. "My God, my God. Why have you forsaken me?" He was more alone, more afflicted than anyone else ever has been or will be. This Jesus endured this for us. He knows from the absolute inside what loneliness is--utter separation of all that is good and life-giving. He died that way.

Yet Christ every lives for those who caste themselves on his matchless mercy. "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." We must bank on that promise, no matter how lonely we may be or stay. The one forsaken and alone is now with us--now and forever.

Ministry to the Chronically Ill

As was made obvious to me yet again from a short telephone conversation yesterday, the chronically ill are often chronically misunderstood and chronically lonely. Why is this and what can be done about it?

First, many do not understand the unique ravages of diseases that neither kill nor heal (apart from God's intervention). I speak of chronic fatigue, irritable bowel syndrome, lupus (although complications from this can be fatal), chemical and environmental sensitivities, and (sadly) more. Those who so suffer may not always look ill; they are not disfigured or depending on wheel chairs, necessarily. Thus, they often fail to solicit sympathy, given that people judge by mere appearance and do not attend to the words of those sore afflicted. This lack of sympathy can translate into outright cruelty when people infer that the chronically ill are not really that bad off, that they should just "buck up" or that "it is all in your head."

There is a simple solution to this problem, but it requires a sacrifice: Listen to the wounded, really hear what they are saying and why. Do not prejudge their words because they do not resonate with your experience. The world is more wounded than you life may know, so, for God's sake, listen. The walking wounded are among "the least of these" who Jesus tells us to care for as both a duty and privilege. If you do not understand the condition or situation, keep listening and ask real questions.

Second, even if some understanding is reached, many shrink back from helping in any concrete way. "I'll pray for you," we may say, but do we do so in any consistent way (see Luke 18:1-8)? The chronically ill do not have short term illnesses. Those are easier to minister unto: you simply bring over meals, do housework, take people to the doctors, and so on--knowing that the duration is limited: the broken leg or arm will heal, the operation will be recovered from. Chronic illness has no limited duration. Nor is it a death sentence, but a life sentence (should God not intervene). In a way, terminal illness is easier to cope with: there is a finish line. Chronic illness, is, well, chronic--interminable and often unbearable. Ministering to these folks requires patience and kindness. It requires the creative love described in 1 Corinthians 13. It requires an infusion of grace from the Holy Spirit to reach out to those who may not be able to "pay back" your efforts, those who are not cheerful after years of pain and crushed dreams, those who are weary and skeptical of real help after so many have faded out so quickly.

There are no easy answers on how to help the chronically ill, even if you have fathomed something of their fate. But one can put oneself in their shoes, in their compromised bodies through sympathetic imagination. Then one may contribute acts of kindness, no matter how small, to help alleviate the loneliness and frustrations. It may simply be a phone call or an email to provide fellowship and alleviate loneliness. Most importantly, ask the ill person what she or he needs. It may be other than you think. They probably know better than you do, so please consult them! And if you tell them you will pray for them, do so earnestly and seriously (1 Thes. 5:17). Otherwise, your words are empty.

The chronically ill in our midst want and need to heard and helped. Ask God to make you a listening ear and a helping hand.

Prayers for the Sick

Let me offer these beautiful and biblical prayers from The Book of Common Prayer to my readers who struggle with chronic, acute, and even terminal illnesses. Notice that they call out to God for healing (they are not fatalistic), but they also ask for grace through the process.

Prayers for the Sick

For a Sick Person

O Father of mercies and God of all comfort, our only help in time of need: We humbly beseech thee to behold, visit, and relieve thy sick servant N. for whom our prayers are desired. Look upon him with the eyes of thy mercy; comfort him with a sense of thy goodness; preserve him from the temptations of the enemy; and give him patience under his affliction. In thy good time, restore him to health, and enable him to lead the residue of his life in thy fear, and to thy glory; and grant that he may dwell with thee in life everlasting; through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.

For Recovery from Sickness
O God, the strength of the weak and the comfort of sufferers: Mercifully accept our prayers, and grant to your servant N. the help of your power, that his sickness may be turned into health, and our sorrow into joy; through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.

or this

O God of heavenly powers, by the might of your command you drive away from our bodies all sickness and all infirmity: Be present in your goodness with your servant N., that his weakness may be banished and his strength restored; and that, his health being renewed, he may bless your holy Name; through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.

Do Not Fear

My wife has compiled a list of biblical verses on resiting fear by faith in the God of the Bible. If you would like this, send me an email and I will send you an attachment. These have been very significant to us.

Modes of Coping

One of my dear students spent several months in South Africa, ministering to the poorest of the poor. While stopped at a street light, her car was broken into and all three women were robbed. Thank God nothing worse happened. It wasn't until they got to the police station that they realized that they were also bleeding from the glass that cut their faces when the front windshield was smashed.

Our minds and bodies switch into emergency gear during emergencies. This is how we are designed by God (not mindless evolution). But when the crisis wanes a bit, other items come into view. For us, this means thinking about how an acute problem that required radical treatment will affect the previous chronic problems. Healthy bodies bound back after trauma. Unhealthy bodies are another story. So, we are fairly confident the infection will be mastered by the drugs and that therapy will bring back proper functions. We continue to pray to that end, as do many others. But what will be the long term consequences of six weeks of infusion antibiotics, a pic line and the rest? We do not know. But we will hope and storm heaven with Scripture, pleading the promises of God on our behalf for healing and restoration for God's glory and our good.

Max

Little Max is out of the hospital, having improved for 24 hours straight. It was anticipated that he would have to stay another few days. Thanks for your prayers. He is still very sick, but his blood oxygen level is normal.

Pray for Sick Baby

Dear Friends:

I want to preserve the family's privacy, but a good friend of mine's four-month old boy is very sick in the hospital with influenza and other complications. Please pray for little Max.